Santikos Cine-opsis

Whoops!  My bad!  I saw a movie this week that opened up in over 1200 theaters…and apparently, I was the only one.  “The Collector” grossed just over $3.6 million in its opening weekend, putting it just below “Transformers 2″, which is in its 6th week.

Should I even let you know what I think about it”?  It wasn’t a great movie, and it will obviously be an irrelevent movie by Monday morning, and available in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart by September.  Why?  Was it the lack of any recognizable talent?  Poor marketing?  Or were people just bored by the idea of another scary-trap-laden torture porn?  Probably.

Whatever it was, I know it wasn’t the premise.  The idea of a cash-strapped thief breaking into a home only to find a sadistic murderer ripping peoples’ teeth out is a promising way to start a horror film.  But then, “The Collector” takes a bizarre turn into “Saw”-ville, and I’m still trying to figure out why.    Why did this guy have to rig the whole house with over-the-top torture traps?  He already had his prey locked up in the basement.  He didn’t expect any company.  And these things would take time to set up, but the film makes it clear that the thief scoped the house in the afternoon then returned that same night.  Setting the traps then felt unbelievably artificial and unnecessary, a stylish departure from a concept that, until that point, had been striving for real scares and had potential to deliver.  I might be old-fashioned, but isn’t a knife-wielding maniac in bondage gear binding people to bathtubs scary enough?  And, as long as I’m complaining, I’d like to see the thief with a heart of gold figure out whether he wants the people he’s trying to help to scream or shut up (the four other people who saw the movie this weekend know what I’m talking about).

And just so you don’t misunderstand me, I loved “Zombie Strippers”, so I’m not knocking “The Collector for being unbelievable. I’m knocking it for being inconsistent, and for ruining a believable premise.  Before all the trap-filled ridiculousness, there was a scene in “The Collector” that I really, really liked.  Arkin the thief breaks into the home, and walks up the stairs to the hidden safe with the loot he desires.  Then, the killer walks up the stairs.  Arkin must avoid detection, but while we know he’s hiding from the crazy killer, he doesn’t.  Relying on his wits, he sneaks past the killer and tears down the stairs for the exit…only to find that it’s locked from the inside.  He’s trapped, and he realizes that the person upstairs is not the  yuppie jewelry store broker he assumed he was dodging.  Scary stuff…and believable, as far as horror plotlines go.

Sadly, the writing team known for “Saw 4, 5, and 6″ (that’s a positive?) got bored about 45 minutes in, and decided that they’d throw a bunch of torture scenes in the middle to kill time.  When they did that, they killed their story, and the film’s future.  Audiences were able to avoid the trap this weekend.  Unfortunately, I was not.