Santikos Cine-opsis

When a major literary franchise is adapted to the screen, there are many factors considered in the process. “How closely do we remain to the source material?” “What parts of the source material can we trim to avoid turning the film into a bloated mess?” “How do we make the film understandable to new audiences?”  “Do we even care about new audiences, or is this a ‘fans only’ experience?”

And as each film in the series is made, the balancing act between source and translation, between fan and newcomer, continues.  Or, at least, it should.  However, that’s not the case in the “Twilight” series…at least, not through the first two films.  Even after a directorial change, “New Moon” follows the same formula as its predecessor, spending too much time on the dour mood swings of its brooding protagonists and not enough recreating the dark, imaginative story lines that “Twilight” fans assure me I’m missing by not reading the books.

But shouldn’t watching the movie provide the same experience?  After each movie, I’ve asked friends who saw the films and read the books if each movie lived up to its expectations, and without fail, they’ve told me “Absolutely!  It was great!  Just like the books!”  So, if that’s the case, then the “Twilight” books appear to be lacking in momentum and substance, yet still manage to be full of dangerous and misguided moral lessons for young adults to absorb.

In no particular order, here are some of the lessons I learned from watching “New Moon.”  I wonder how many parents would want their children believing that:

1.  The best way to handle a breakup is to do something insanely dangerous, because the adrenaline rush will help you remember what it felt like when you were with that person.  Or, you could die, which would also be fine, because then it would end the pain of being apart.

2.  An attractive young girl can repeatedly put herself in dangerous positions and somebody will always be there to save her.  In these situations she is at no fault of her own, and nobody is ever upset at her for putting herself in that position.  Again - and I can’t stress this enough - someone will always be there to make sure she is protected, and no harm will ever come to her.

3.  That same young girl can string along multiple men by showing them the slightest bits of affection, yet continue to shy away whenever they make any serious physical advances.  This will only strengthen their love for her.

4.  All physical contact is dangerous and could lead to death, so it’s best to just be abstinent.  However, don’t let that stop you from using your attractiveness to get what you want from men (see item 3).  If they call you on it, just say that you’re selfish and crazy and you’ll never be whole again.  Men love to try and fix things.

5.  When it comes to men, the best options for you are either a home-schooled mechanic who has a family history of violence and spousal abuse (and lycanthrope), but also some sweet pecs and a 6-pack; or a much older yet still attractive man who also has a family history of violence, a fear of commitment, and believes that allowing you into his world would destroy your innocence.  Sure, there are other guys, but they’re boring and wimpy and not worth your time.

6.  While the jury is still out on Meyer’s plagiarism of living authors, it’s obvious that Romeo and Juliet can be “sampled” at will and the only result is a big fat paycheck.  Hell, they practically spell it out in the movie (opening quote?), and one of the first scenes revolves around Bella and Edward reading R&J in class.  The warring clans of werewolves and vampires are supernatural Montagues and Capulets, and Bella (being the daughter of the sheriff who has been basically adopted by the local werewolf tribe) is stuck between her childhood friends (wolves) and new lover (Capu-er, I mean vampires).  Replace poisons and knives with cliff-diving and exhibitionism, give it a happy ending, and watch the money flow into those bank accounts.   Right, Stephenie?

7.  18-year-olds are legally adults and can leave their parents and run away with their lovers at any time, as long as they leave their folks a note.

8.  You can spend 80% of a film dwelling on non-plot-oriented relationship minutiae, and as long as you throw a couple of hastily choreographed scenes of vampires tossing each other around a cathedral in towards the end, it counts as a vampire movie.  Seriously.  This has to be the first vampire movie I’ve seen where NOBODY WAS DRAINED TO DEATH BY A F*@&ING VAMPIRE!!!! HOW STUPID IS THAT?!?

There are many more lessons to be learned from “New Moon” (it’s easy to make a nightmare scene uninteresting, it’s best to ride a motorcycle without wearing a helmet, etc.) but as I left the theater, those 8 were the ones that stuck with me.  Now, if those are all from the books, I take back every negative thing I’ve said about the “Twilight” movies.  If those are the themes learned from reading the books, then the movies are an accurate translation, and the books suck.  So if you’ve read all this, and you’ve read the books, please leave your comments and let me know if I’m right.  Until then, I’ll just assume that the “Twilight” films are accurate portrayals of a really crappy book series that happened to strike a chord with tweeny girls looking for something a little bit darker than Hannah Montana.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got 12 hours to kill.  “Lord of the Rings” marathon, baby!