Santikos Cine-opsis

News Flash!  Roland Emmerich does not have a passion for subtle film-making.  He does not enjoy investing time in the gentle nuances of character development.  He does not paint on the canvas of message films, filling in his moral questions with nearly imperceptable shades of gray. 

No, Roland Emmerich likes to blow stuff up.

You want to watch a movie about aliens?  Roland Emmerich will hover those big-eyed mothers over the Rose Garden and turn the White House into match sticks!  You want a patriotic war movie about the American Revolution?  Roland Emmerich will stab you in the chest with the Ol’ Glory!  You want a movie about environmental sensativity?  Bam!  Statue of Liberty in a glacier!  You want a movie about Armageddon?  Bring on “2012.”

California sinks into the Pacific while The Vatican crumbles on the heads of the faithful.   Tibetan monks are swept off the tops of the Himalayas by massive whitecaps while Washington DC gets crushed by aircraft-carrier-turned-surfboard.  Did we need to see the White House destroyed by the USS John F. Kennedy?  No.  But it sure did get a wow - and then a guffaw - out of the packed theater.

Among all this panoramic panic, John Cusack plays failed writer Jackson Curtis, whose wife divorced him and took the kids because he spent all his time writing (you’re not gonna believe this) a post-apocalyptic novel about humanity coming together in the wake of a global natural disaster.  As Cusack himself says in the film, “what are the odds?”

After his book flops because nobody believes humanity will become selfless in the face of impending doom (OOOOH! MESSAGE!), Cusack apparently took a course in stunt-driving clumsy vehicles.  Through the course of the film, Cusack and Co. survive the impending apocalypse in white-knuckle chase scenes in: a limo, an RV, a twin-engine private plane piloted by Curtis’ ex-wife’s new boyfriend, and a Russian cargo plane, also co-piloted by the aformentioned boyfriend.  Oh, and did I mention that both the limo and the RV do the “jump the chasm by stepping on the gas” trick?  Because they do.

Now, not everything in “2012″ is completely unbelievable inane audience-pandering.  The actual reason for the destruction of the planet is pretty well thought out.  I’m no astrophysicist, but I don’t have any trouble buying that strengthening solar flares coupled with a weakening of the Earth’s magnetic field over-heat the planet’s core to destabilize tectonic plates in the crust, sending California to the bottom of the pond and turning Yellowstone into Vesuvius on crack.  San Andreas crack, no less.

Not only that, but I absolutely buy Oliver Platt as the corrupt-politician-selling-seats-on-the-escape-pods-to-wealthy-financiers-guy.  If the Earth were to turn into Pangea again in 3 years, we’d all learn about it….in 2 years and 364 days.  No way the government would risk global panic and economic collapse by telling people the truth.

And while it’s a shame that these morally disturbing and eerily possible moments are completely overwhelmed by the other 2 hours and 30 minutes of emotional pandering and roller coaster chaos…what did we expect?  It’s Roland Emmerich.  This guy didn’t make “Citizen Kane,” he made “10,000 B.C.”  This is a director who equates “big” with “good,” and “2012″ is his biggest movie yet.  And if that’s what we know he likes, and if that’s what we expect from him, and if that’s what audiences want to see, then how can we as critics call this movie a failure?  I know I can’t.